3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
