trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
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If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
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You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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