You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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