Can i not drive my cunt home
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
