My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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