every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
