you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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