dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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