a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
