Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
