I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Randomize
