I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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