My nipple is on Facebook.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
