I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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