Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You took a bar mat shot.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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