Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.