i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Alive.
So much puke
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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