I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
