Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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