Welp...herpes.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
