Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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