So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
