i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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