Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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