I puked a lego.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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