My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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