How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
