i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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