So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
