Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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