Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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