Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You're like the curious george of whores
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
