final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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