Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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