Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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