I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
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Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
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All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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