Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
