It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
