insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
