Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
