So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
