i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
