"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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