i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
