you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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