I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
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If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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