Whatcha textin bout Willis?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He shit in the fireplace
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
