if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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