I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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