What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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