I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
