Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize