Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him