I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
