I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
